Chapter 9: Expressing One’s Feelings
The caravan crossed Mount Longshan, traveling along the Wei River. They galloped across the vast stretches of the Qin Plains, spanning eight hundred miles, and soon the Dragon Head Mountain of Chang’an came into view, with the cityscape of brocade-like walls laid out before them.
Outside Chang’an’s Kaiyuan Gate, the Duan family’s steward had already arrived with servants to greet them. Upon seeing Duan Jinke’s return, they immediately sent someone back to deliver the joyful news while leading the group into the city.
Despite the magnificent hospitality and warm welcome, Li Wei and his companions did not linger in Chang’an. They bid farewell to Duan Jinke. Knowing that they were heading back to Ganzhou to celebrate the New Year, Duan Jinke instructed Cao Dening to generously gift them with silver and silks. With that, the two parties parted ways.
With dry rations and wine, Li Wei’s group traveled hundreds of miles a day, making their way back to Hexi during the twelfth lunar month. They arrived in Ganzhou on the fifteenth day, coinciding with the folk celebration of the Jade Emperor’s Day. At the entrance to the lane, each headed to their respective homes.
At the entrance to Blind Alley, Wang xiucai1 was dressed in a crisp new green straight robe and wearing a square cap. Surrounded by neighbors, he was diligently writing peace amulets. Nearby, an eagle-eyed auntie, Aunt Chun, spotted Li Wei from afar and clapped her hands, shouting, “His disciple has come back!”
Because of her exclamation, Wang xiucai’s brush slipped, smudging the black ink on the inscription. The old scholar wrinkled his brows and put down his brush, “What’s all this fuss? You’ve ruined a perfectly good piece of paper.”
The neighbors, recognizing Li Wei, came forward to greet him with bows and exchanged pleasantries: “We went to your house looking for you a few days ago, but Madam Li said you had yet to return. Today, you’ve finally come back.”
“You’ve been away so long, was your journey smooth?”
Despite being covered in dust all over and his complexion visibly showcasing exhaustion, Li Wei’s smile never faltered. He returned their greetings one by one, bowing deeply. “The journey was safe. I’ve been away for quite some time, and deeply appreciate all the care the aunts and uncles have shown to my family in my absence. Li Wei greatly appreciates it.”
Wang xiucai, still grumbling at Aunt Chun, quickly brightened at the sight of Li Wei. “Wei’er, Wei’er, come here and take a look at your teacher’s amulet!”
Inside the house, Chun Tian busied herself with needlework. As the new year approached, wealthy families were all preparing garments and accessories. Lu Mingyue, overwhelmed with work, had taken a liking to Chun Tian’s craftsmanship and sent some tasks her way for assistance.
Aunt Zhao had gone out early with Xianxian to purchase household supplies, and Madam Li’s door remained shut—she was likely still asleep. Changliu was at Jiayan’s place, reviewing his studies. With the house empty, Chun Tian worked through the morning. When the silence in the house grew too deep, she stepped down the bed to the hall and wandered about. The only one around was Ah Huang, lazily curled up by the brazier, dozing.
Her chest bone had yet to heal properly, making it difficult to bend down. Nudging Ah Huang’s paw with the tip of her shoe, she called softly, “Ah Huang, Ah Huang.”
Ah Huang shifted a paw covering its eyes, casting her a languid glance. With two whimpering sounds from its throat, it stretched out its legs and snuggled even closer to the brazier.
“Madam Li hasn’t gotten up, and you’re not guarding her door. Instead, you’re here slacking off.”
Ah Huang hated being disturbed the most. It shuffled further into the shadows.
“Mangy mutt,” Chun Tian muttered, tilting her head as she watched the dog for a while. Sighing, she added, “If you were born in my house, the servants would have chased you out long ago.”
At this, Ah Huang raised its head, growling a single dissatisfied bark before rolling over to expose its soft belly, revealing a patch of fur of which was singed yellow from the brazier’s heat.
She lightly tapped its paw with her shoe. “You cling to the brazier every day. Are you that afraid of the cold?”
Ah Huang sprawled on the ground, squinting in nonchalance, and unperturbedly rolled over. Chun Tian stared at it for a while, exhaling softly for reasons she couldn’t quite place. In the end, her lips curved up slightly. “Lazy mutt.”
The snow in the courtyard had been cleared, leaving the ground damp. Only under the old jujube tree remained a mound of frozen, rock-hard snow. The air was crisp, and the sky stretched above, a clear, blue-like jade.
She wandered around the courtyard, stopping beneath the old jujube tree. Bending down, she scooped a handful of snow into her palm, packing it into a firm ball. When her fingers grew too cold to hold it, she lifted her hand and threw it down with a sharp smack.
This scattered the snow across the green-bricked ground and the door creaked open.
A pair of black leather boots stepped inside, followed by a man draped in a dusty gray felt coat. In his left hand, he carried a teal silk-wrapped bundle, while his right hand held the reins of a panting gray horse, standing in the doorway.
The girl’s expression slowly withered into neutrality. Her black and white eyes fixed on the newcomer.
She did not recognize him.
Li Wei saw her, wearing a blue floral jacket and skirt that was neither new nor old. Her face was pale, cheeks gaunt, lips pressed together, and her almond-shaped eyes held a guarded wariness as she observed him. He strode into the courtyard with big strides, standing squarely in the middle. His voice was deep, slightly rough, making it hoarse sounding, like the wind scraping over a barren plain in the wilderness. “Is the injury better?”
Chun Tian’s stiff fingers relaxed as her eyelashes lowered and she lightly nodded and her lips moved. “Somewhat better.”
The man unburdened the horse, gently shooing it toward the stable with a low whistle. Carrying a folded felt blanket in his arms, he strode closer. His strong sword-like brows arched in a pleasing way, and he was all smiles as he introduced himself, “I am Li Wei.”
Li Wei. This name was familiar to her.
From inside the house came the sound of frenzied barking. Ah Huang dashed out like the wind, its bushy tail wagging exuberantly. It bounded and leaped at Li Wei. Li Wei patted the dog’s head and laughed heartily. “Alright, alright, Ah Huang, settle down.”
Chun Tian stood a little distance away, as though preparing to speak. Before she could, Li Wei turned to her and asked, “Have you been comfortable staying here?”
She nodded. “Very much so.” Her gaze rested on the young man stroking Ah Huang’s head, and after a moment, she added, “Madam is still resting, and Aunt Zhao and Changliu have gone out.”
Li Wei nodded. “Understood.” He carried his belongings to the side room, then stepped into the main hall. Standing before the memorial tablets of Old Master Li and Old Madam Li, he lit incense over the brazier, offering sacrifice.
Ah Huang, delighted beyond measure, wagged its bushy tail furiously and trotted at Li Wei’s heels, brimming with energy. From the main house came the sound of a faint cough as Madam Li called out, “Who’s here?”
Chun Tian, standing by the window, replied, “Master has returned.”
“Master has returned?” Madam Li’s voice held a mixture of surprise and joy.
“Yun-jie, it’s me,” Li Wei called.
“Master, take a seat. Let me tidy up and prepare tea for you.”
With Aunt Zhao absent, Chun Tian assisted Madam Li in opening her trousseau and selecting a bright, festive outfit. Once properly dressed, Madam Li wore her hair in a bun, her cheeks dusted with rouge. She was clad in a double breasted jacket of glossy blue-green and a long skirt of straw yellow. The fresh colors lent her an air of radiant vitality, making her look seven points brighter, sweeping away her usual sickly pallor.
With Chun Tian’s support, Madam Li stepped outside. Her face lit up with joy at the sight of Li Wei. “Just yesterday, Changliu went to inquire at the caravan and said it would still be a few days before your return. I didn’t expect you back so soon!”
Li Wei took a careful look at Madam Li, noting her improved complexion, and smiled. “The journey was smooth, with no delays. Hence, we returned earlier.”
Meanwhile, in Gongde Alley, Jiayan tugged Changliu along, looking sheepish the entire way. “Come on, don’t be mad. When we get back, I’ll ask my mother to patch it up. The tear won’t be noticeable at all.”
“If you had listened to me, you wouldn’t have torn my clothes in the first place,” Changliu furrowed his brow and said “Now Auntie Lu will be upset again.”
“Heh,” Jia Yan scratched his head, unconcerned. “What’s there to be scared of? My mom’s just a paper tiger.”
He pushed Changliu through the gate, only to spot a black horse tied under the eaves. He let out a sharp yell immediately, releasing Changliu to sprint toward the house. “Uncle Guang! Uncle Guang! Uncle Guang—!”
Helian Guang stepped out of his room, grabbed Jia Yan by the back of his collar like a chick, and chuckled, “You little rascal.”
Jiayan giggled and clung to Helian Guang like a sticky herbal plaster, excited to the point of going crazy. “Uncle Guang, you’re finally back!”
Changliu, upon seeing Helian Guang, stomped his foot and sprinted toward him. “Uncle Guang! My dad, my dad is back?”
Helian Guang grinned widely, stroking Changliu’s little head: “He’s back.”
Like a wisp of smoke, Changliu shook his sleeves and darted toward home in an instant. Lu Mingyue stepped out of the embroidery room and called after him, “Changliu, be careful! Don’t trip!” Her eyes then landed on Jiayan, and her face darkened a little, “Jiayan, get down.”
Meanwhile, Aunt Zhao returned from the market with her vegetable basket slung on her arm. Along the way, the neighbors had already informed her of Li Wei’s return. When she arrived home, the scene confirmed their words: the table on the kang bed was piled high with candied fruits, Li Wei sat on the kang holding Changliu, laughing and chatting, while Madam Li sat beside him sorting through the luggage. The house was filled with warmth and harmony.
Xianxian, with her two pigtails, happily skipped over to greet Li Wei. “Greetings, Master.”
Having grown up in the Li household alongside Changliu like siblings, Xianxian was treated as half a daughter by Li Wei. Seeing Changliu’s lowered head and that he fiddled with a new toy in his hands, the little girl’s eyes sparkled as she fixed her gaze expectantly on Li Wei.
Understanding her unspoken thoughts, Li Wei smiled. “If there is something you like, go to Madam to pick.”
Madam Li, sitting nearby, had a bundle of fresh novelties wrapped in a cloth at her side. Li Wei, mindful of the children in the caravan, never failed to bring back something new for them with each trip.
Aunt Zhao, overjoyed, exclaimed, “We’ve been waiting day and night, and now the Master has finally returned safely. Madam has been thinking about Master every day; now she can finally rest easy.”
Li Wei chuckled. “It’s my fault. I was out there unaware, while everyone at home had to worry about me.”
Madam Li smiled softly from the side. “We’ve grown used to it. Ever since Old Master’s time, it’s always been like this—no point in worrying about it.”
“These past two years, we’ve been especially indebted to Auntie for all her help. I’m often away, and all the hard work at home has fallen on your shoulders.” Li Wei pushed a bag of copper coins toward Aunt Zhao. “Think of it as a few drinks on my behalf as a show of filial respect.”
“Absolutely not,” Aunt Zhao stepped down from the kang bed. “I only handle some rough work like cooking and washing, and taking care of the children while living here. Madam is so considerate and kind—where in Ganzhou could one find such a good household to serve?”
“Auntie, please don’t decline.”
After repeated polite refusals, Aunt Zhao finally tucked the copper coins into her sleeve. Feeling their weight in secret, she couldn’t help but smile from ear to ear. “I’ll go prepare a table of good wine and food to welcome the Master back and cleanse the dust of his journey.”
With swift and skilled hands, Aunt Zhao boiled water, kneaded dough, slaughtered a chicken, and prepared lamb. By evening, the table was laden with fresh vegetables, wild game, braised beef, lamb, fried dough sticks, sesame flatbreads, and even crispy oil-fried snacks. A fine bottle of warmed wine completed the spread—the table was filled with round cups and bowls, a banquet fit for a joyous reunion.
Changliu, who was always well-behaved and quiet, showed rare childlike enthusiasm this evening, pestered Li Wei and said a bellyful of things. At dinner, he insisted that his father serve him food and his mother wipe his hands.
Chun Tian, knowing that this was a time for family reunion and the warmth of kinship, didn’t linger. She had long grown accustomed to stepping aside. Quietly, she returned to the west wing and immersed herself in her needlework. Under the glow of the lamp, the silk threads were intricately woven, layer upon layer, flipping and turning repeatedly. But the clusters of embroidered peonies soon strained her eyes, and when she rubbed them, the ache remained sharp and dry.
Li Wei, who spent most of his time away from home, naturally devoted his evenings to his sickly wife and young son after returning. Once night fell, he checked Changliu’s schoolwork and coaxed him to sleep.
“Papa, is Chang’an really far away? Is it fun? Are there lots of people?” Changliu clung to Li Wei’s hand. “Chun Tian-jiejie came from Chang’an, and so did our teacher. It must be a really wonderful place.”
“Chang’an is the capital, where the Emperor, ministers, and foreign envoys all reside. The marketplaces are bustling—it’s a very lively place.” Li Wei stroked Changliu’s head. “When you’re a little older, Papa will take you to see Chang’an. How does that sound?”
“Yes.” Changliu tugged on his father’s sleeve. “Papa, it’s almost New Year. Don’t go away again, okay?”
Li Wei nodded, “I won’t leave. Father will be staying for a while.”
After tucking Changliu into bed and ensuring his long lashes had closed in peaceful sleep, he tucked the corners of the quilt around him and stepped out. Outside, he met Aunt Zhao carrying a bowl of medicinal soup for Madam Li. Taking the bowl from her hands, he said, “I’ll do it.”
Inside, Madam Li was carefully going through a money box under the dim light of the lamp. As part of their earnings, Cao Dening had distributed 6,000 tea certificates to the caravan, along with some loose amounts of silver. After dividing the profits, Li Wei had received around 400 tea certificates for his share. Additionally, he had sold a bag of cloud pearls acquired from Huihu2 traders, which fetched another 100 tea certificates in the market. Altogether, he handed over 500 certificates to Madam Li.
At that time, tea certificates were widely used as currency in the region, especially since the imperial court had tightened monetary circulation and taxed tea heavily. In Guanzhong and Hexi, trade relied more on tea certificates than on silver or copper coins. Each tea certificate held the value of more than one guan3 in cash and was freely accepted in government and merchant exchanges.
Li Wei watched as Madam Li smoothed the tea certificates in her hands. “After the New Year, I’ll need to set aside some and head to Ejin River and Juyan Lake4 for a trip.”
Madam Li nodded. “That’s good. You used to make that journey every twelfth month. Since you returned late this year, I did not have a chance to check up on them. After the New Year, you can take some things over. I wonder how those families are faring now.”
Li Wei hummed in response.
Madam Li thought for a moment in her heart and then asked softly, “The Imperial court’s decision—there’s truly no way to change it?”
Li Wei remained silent. In the dim yellow candlelight, his face was half illuminated, half shadowed. The faint, fuzzy outline of his tall and straight profile was projected against the wall and Madam Li suddenly felt that her husband, who had grown up with her, was distant and unfamiliar. Madam Li sighed and said, “It’s fine. A few taels of condolence silver wouldn’t have made much difference anyway.”
Redirecting her thoughts, Madam Li continued, “I’ve been considering something. Now that Changliu is growing up, we will need to plan for him—his schooling, examinations, marriage, and children. These are all major expenses. A few days ago, Aunt Zhao’s husband, Wang Cheng, came from the countryside and mentioned someone selling farmland at a fair price. I thought about it and felt it might be a good investment. If you think it is a good idea, perhaps we can ask a broker to negotiate tomorrow. Owning land would provide some security in the future.”
Li Wei replied, “If you think it’s a good idea, go ahead. I am often not home and cannot handle such matters.” His expression turned somber. “Your health has always been weak, and you should be worrying less. Yet everything in this household depends on you. Yun-jie, you’ve had such a hard time all these years.”
He called her ‘Yun-jie’. After all, Madam Li was the daughter of Li Wei’s adoptive parents.
Li Wei’s original surname was not Li.
Twenty-eight years ago, Li-laoye had been traveling south with a caravan through Guanzhong. On the way back, by the Wei River, he found a dying infant. Passersby recounted that a few days earlier, a merchant’s family traveling through the area had been targeted by bandits after exposing his wealth. The entire family was killed, their bodies thrown into the river. There was also a baby in swaddling clothes. The infant had been spared, likely due to a moment of compassion, and was instead left abandoned on the riverbank to fend for himself.
With only a frail daughter at home, Li-laoye brought the baby back to be raised by his wife and named him Li Wei.
Li-laoye was a renowned horseman in Ganzhou, and by the time Li Wei was twelve or thirteen, he was already accompanying Li-laoye across snow-capped mountains and traversing deserts. When Madam Li reached marriageable age, her frail health left her with few prospects. To resolve his worries, Li-laoye adopted Li Wei as his adoptive son and arranged for Madam Li to marry him.
“You saying this, I am embarrassed,” Madam said, coughing lightly into a handkerchief. “Wei’er, if anything, it’s I who has failed you.”
The two shared heartfelt words, formal yet sincere. Watching their silhouettes illuminated by the lamplight from outside, Aunt Zhao thought they seemed a picture of harmonious respect, as if they lived in mutual reverence as husband and wife.
Madam Li recounted many old stories and could not help but shed a few tears. Seeing that it was late, she said, “I’ve already instructed Aunt Zhao to prepare the east wing with clean bedding. My room reeks of medicine—it’s not suitable for sleeping.”
Li Wei had spent seven or eight years in the east wing and was long accustomed to it. He nodded. “You should rest well. Anything else can be discussed tomorrow..”
Footnotes:
- Shengyuan (生員, lit. “student member”), commonly called xiucai (秀才, lit. “outstanding talent”), a scholar who had passed the academy examination of the entry-level examinations. Xiucai enjoyed officially sanctioned social privileges such as exemption from statute labour, access into local government facilities and limited immunity against corporal punishments. They were further divided into three classes according to their performance in the examination. Refer to Wikipedia for more information: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imperial_examination ↩︎
- Huihu, ancient name of an ethnic group who were the ancestors of the Uyghurs and the Yugurs ↩︎
- Guan: string of 1000 cash ↩︎
- The Ejin River, known for its vital role in sustaining life in arid regions, flows into the Juyan Lake Basin, a historical and ecological landmark in northwestern China. Once a thriving oasis along the ancient Silk Road, the Juyan Lake Basin has witnessed significant environmental changes over the centuries due to shifting water sources and human activity. Together, these locations represent a delicate balance between nature and civilization, embodying both the resilience of life in harsh conditions and the profound impact of environmental shifts on history and culture. ↩︎
TN: Hope everyone is doing well! We know get some backstory about Li Wei and Madam Li’s relationship!
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