Chapter 18: Reluctance
When Chun Tian revealed her background and life story to Madam Li, Li Wei naturally didn’t believe all of it–he had his own considerations.
Times had changed, and people were growing more open-minded. While it was no longer rare for women to go out for leisure or even manage businesses and households, the majority still relied on their fathers or brothers for their livelihood.
For a young girl to journey thousands of li from Chang’an to the Beiting Protectorate, just to seek out a distant family friend, crossing five thousand li of perilous terrain and navigating the treachery of human nature, how could she possibly have survived the journey alone?
He had never asked for the full details of her travels. What she spoke of was vague, and he never pressed her further.
Li Wei was a man of moderation. Even when he could deduce the truth, if others didn’t speak it, he pretended not to know. Yet he could still sense the oddities, could read the emotions behind her silences, and would often inadvertently help her cover things in front of others.
And it was this quiet understanding that gave a thought in Madam Li’s heart.
The next day, Lu Mingyue came to visit Madam Li. The two women sat together, both cheerless.
Lu Mingyue noticed something was off with Madam Li and asked, “You seemed perfectly fine yesterday at the Fang Residence, why do you look so worn out today?”
Madam Li sighed, unsure where to begin. Seeing that no one else was around, she hesitated for a long moment before finally speaking. “It may sound laughable, but you’ve always been the one I confide in. This time too, I need your advice.”
Lu Mingyue smiled and asked, “Now I’m curious, what matter has you so troubled?”
Madam Li’s brows furrowed, “A few years ago, I began thinking of finding someone for the Master to marry again.”
Lu Mingyue, who had always been close to the Li family, let out a soft hum. “You really are far too virtuous. I do remember something like that, didn’t Li Wei refuse at the time?”
“Master really did not want to,” Madam Li said, her thoughts already well sorted. “After I got pregnant with Changliu, he began sleeping in the outer room. After my father passed, he moved into the east wing. All these years, though we’ve been husband and wife in name, we’ve lived more like siblings. He is still young. Sooner or later, he’s bound to remarry. A few years back, when my health was worse, I was unhappy and truly thought my time might come at any moment. I had already made peace with the idea. I even wanted to help him find someone: a gentle, virtuous woman, someone I knew and could trust, to settle into the household. That way, I could feel at ease. Even if I were gone, I wouldn’t have to worry about Changliu being mistreated by a stepmother.”
Lu Mingyue said. “What am I supposed to say to you? Your illness took root from bearing and raising Changliu. Li Wei must feel deeply guilty, how could he even consider marrying again?”
Madam Li sighed softly. “At the time, I invited a distant cousin of mine to stay with us for a while. I hadn’t expected it, but though she looked demure on the surface, her mind was quite lively. She found out Wei’er was out in the suburbs every day training Chasing Thunder – back when the horse was still wild, fierce enough to throw even Wei’er from the saddle. But that girl kept pestering him, insisting she wanted to learn to ride. She played coy, acted helpless. Wei’er paid her no mind. He glanced at me, his expression uncomfortable, flicked his sleeves and then left in silence.”
As she spoke of the past, Madam Li was at a loss whether to laugh or cry. “Later on, there were more strange little things… He was constantly worn out, plagued with headaches. Eventually, he couldn’t take it anymore and finally said just one thing to me: ‘Don’t worry about anything. Stop letting wild thoughts hurt your health.’”
Lu Mingyue chuckled. “That sounds nice, but I know you too well. Your heart’s always full of thoughts. If Li Wei had really married someone else, you’d be the one tossing and turning at night, unable to sleep a wink. Enough, you’ve worried yourself over everything and nothing. People each have their own fates. You have to live for yourself.”
Madam Li let out a deep breath. “He’s the one my family owes.. Back then, it was my father who forced him into military service. He suffered for years. Later, when the generals took notice of him, he had a real future ahead. But for the sake of this family, he left the army and returned to join the camel caravan. All these years, he’s been the only one holding the household together–there isn’t a single thing he hasn’t done well.”
“If you feel guilty, then hurry up and get well. The three of you should live peaceful days together.” Lu Mingyue said with a smile, “You—you just worry too much. Don’t you know overthinking leads to illness?”
“I know you don’t like to hear all this, but I’ve no one else I can talk to.” Madam Li said helplessly. “Master is not willing to listen, and I’ve no way to make him. I cannot manage him. I can only let him figure things out on his own. For now, all my heart is tied to Changliu. I need to start thinking about his future.”
She then told Lu Mingyue what she had said to Li Wei the day before, about arranging a betrothal for Changliu.
After hearing it all, Lu Mingyue burst into laughter. “What’s gotten into you lately? Thinking so far ahead it is no wonder Li Wei disagreed, I also feel that it is a bit too inappropriate. You want to arrange things for Changliu, but you should wait a couple more years. Let the boy grow up a bit, wait till he’s thirteen or fourteen and begin to understand things. It is too hasty to plan now.”
“I was thinking that if I pass before long, and the Master one day remarries, what if Changliu ends up with a cruel stepmother? What will become of Changliu then? But if we had a daughter-in-law, someone from a good family, there’d be someone to entrust him to.”
“With that kind of thinking, where are you putting all of Li Wei’s care and effort? Even to outsiders, he gives his all, let alone his own son. You really think he wouldn’t protect Changliu?” Lu Mingyue was helpless and said, “My dear lady, don’t go on about passing away and whatnot all the time. I’ve already prayed before the Bodhisattva for you to live a long, healthy life till you are a hundred years old–not just for yourself, but to spare Li Wei and Changliu all this worry.”
“These are words I would never say to the Master, it is all just my own small-mindedness. But what mother doesn’t worry this way? I originally thought, since our home is currently sheltering a poor girl with such a pitiful background… She’s gentle, graceful, good-looking, literate, and just a few years older than Changliu. They’d be quite well-matched.”
Lu Mingyue let out a startled laugh, half incredulous. “So that’s what you’ve been thinking in that head of yours.”
“Master disagrees, and I can’t figure out why.” Madam Li did not know what to feel. She sat, weighing her thoughts, before finally turning her gaze to Lu Mingyue’s face. “But let’s not talk about this anymore. You do not seem to be in a good mood today. Did Jiayan upset you again?”
“It’s not that,” Lu Mingyue said, her brows furrowed deeply, creased like folded silk. “There’s nothing in particular, it is just that I feel a little unhappy for no reason.”
She could not bring herself to tell Madam Li that that certain uncle in her household, Helian Guang, had become increasingly bold in the way he looked at her.
“Did Helian Guang come looking for Li Wei today?” Lu Mingyue asked softly, biting her lip.
Madam Li shook her head.
Lu Mingyue lowered her gaze. Seeing the expression on her face, Madam Li asked, “Did Second Unce Helian upset you again?”
“It’s not that either,” Lu Mingyue replied. But her voice grew faint, and for a long while, she said nothing. Then, in a quiet breath, she added, “I’ve been thinking about bringing Jiayan back to the south. I want to return my parents’ ashes to our ancestral home and bury them there. After all, that is still my home. In Ganzhou, aside from you, I have no one. Over the past two years, I’ve saved up some silver from my embroidery work. It should be enough now to cover the travel expenses of the journey.”
Madam Li was stunned, a rush of reluctance surged through her chest. She reached out and held Lu Mingyue’s hand tightly. “Mingyue, are you serious? You’re really planning to leave? Does Jiayan know? What about Second Uncle Helian?”
Lu Mingyue shook her head. This thought, she hadn’t even shared it with Jiayan yet. If they returned to Gusu City, she wondered, would Jiayan be able to adapt? Would he be willing to go? And would the people in Gusu accept a child who looked like him?
Madam Li let out a sigh, murmuring, “I doubt Second Uncle Helian would agree to that. If I remember right, did he not come looking for you and Jiayan in the beginning because he wanted to take the boy away? You refused, and that’s the only reason he stayed. And after all these years of closeness between our families, if you truly left, what would I do? I could not bear it.”
“Nothing has been planned, just a passing thought.” Seeing Madam Li’s eyes fill with tears from reluctance, Lu Mingyue tried to comfort her friend. “A few years from now, when the children are grown and you’re back to full health, we can all travel together: go see the mountains and rivers, and I’ll show you the southern waterways of Jiangnan.”
“It’s not so simple, in this lifetime, I might not even make it out of Ganzhou. If you truly mean to leave, do not let me find out.” Madam Li said, holding back her tears.
“Not leaving, not leaving, I was just speaking carelessly.”
The two women, each carrying their own worries, swallowed their sorrow and quietly changed the subject.
Later that night, after finishing her needlework, Chun Tian was just about to settle in for sleep when Xianxian came running up and knocked on her door.
“Chun Tian-jiejie,” she said, “Madam is asking for you. She wants to know if you have a moment.”
Chun Tian nodded and smiled. “Coming.”
When she arrived, Madam Li was sitting beside the small tea stove, warming her hands and coughing softly into a handkerchief, covering her face. Chun Tian quickly stepped forward. “Madam, do you want some tea?”
Madam Li looked up, her face flushed from coughing. After catching her breath, she panted, “The teapot in the Master’s room has been empty for days. He came by earlier for a cup of tea before heading back. I’m worried he might want hot water in the night, so I thought I’d prepare a pot for him in advance.”
“Please rest, I’ll make the tea,” Chun Tian said at once, stepping forward to take the tea ladle from Madam Li’s hands.
“I have not been feeling well, but Aunt Zhao is still busy in the kitchen, and Xianxian is too young. I’m afraid she might trip and fall on the way. So I could only ask you. Please bring this pot of tea to the Master’s room. If he’s still awake, have him drink a cup before he sleeps.”
Chun Tian nodded instinctively, then suddenly froze, but after a brief pause, she nodded again. “Alright.”
Li Wei was sitting in his room in only his inner garments, reading a tattered map of Beiting under the lamplight. When he heard the knock on the door, Chun Tian’s voice came through from outside: “Master, Madam asked me to bring you a pot of tea.”
Li Wei was inwardly surprised, Madam Li had always been mindful and orderly, such small errands were usually handled by Xianxian. She had never once sent Chun Tian for something like this.
He pulled on a robe and opened the door, only to see Chun Tian standing there with her hair unbound, a cascade of inky black tucked behind her snow-pale ear. Behind her stretched the heavy hush of night. For a moment, he was caught off guard, not knowing why.
The warm, amber light from within the room spilled onto her face, but with her head lowered, her expression was unreadable. Li Wei took the teapot at the threshold, his brow suddenly furrowing ever so slightly.
The two turned away, neither of them saying a word.
From then on, whenever Li Wei was home, Chun Tian mostly stayed behind closed doors, quietly working on her embroidery in the west wing.
Her needlework was skillful and often full of clever touches. By now, she had managed to save up a small amount of silver, but it was still far from enough to fund a journey west. After much thought, she realized the only thing of real value she had was the piece of jasper tied around her neck–if she parted with it, she could likely exchange it for a decent sum.
Her injuries had mostly healed, and she could now walk normally. Since her mind was set, she only needed to wait for the New Year festivities to pass. Then, she would find a way to head west beyond the Yumen Pass, with her first stop in Yiwu, where she would begin searching for news of Uncle Chen.
Li Wei also found himself troubled by Madam Li’s recent probing. Her constant worrying weighed heavily on him, and he could only respond by spending more time at her side, trying to ease her heart.
Thinking back, he realized that ever since he had left home at the age of twelve to travel with his father, most of the past decade and more had been spent either with the merchant caravans or in military service. In all those years, he had been home no more than two or three months each year. He had owed his family far too much.
Now, in his late twenties, with a household made up of women and children, he only needed to wait for the New Year to pass, and then he would look for a different livelihood.
TN: Hope everyone is doing well! I’m not sure I really agree with Madam Li’s views about remarriage or arranging for Changliu’s marriage. I understand that she is wrought with worry since her health is deteriorating, but forcing things never go well. However, chronic health conditions can often take such a heavy toll on one’s perspective on life, so I completely can sympathize with her worries. Seems like Chun Tian is making her own plans in the meantime though!
Announcement: We have set up a kofi and patreon account! If you would like to support us or get early access to advance chapters, those options are available for you (in support us page)! Since I am a grad student, there should usually be at least 10 advance chapters in the document at a time, but depending on my schedules, there may be fewer or more. I’m currently extremely busy, but I have translated out some new chapters for you all! But, I will still post each week with the same schedule. Thanks!
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